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Vijay Mehta

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xx Infrared Dating
« Thread started on: Feb 28th, 2010, 10:47pm »


Who: All serious marriageable Desi singles of any age.

Is it not a wonderful idea to look for your soul mate while doing good Karmas?

Participants need to send Vijay Uncle an invite on face book. You will then be asked to fill out a questionnaire with some of the following information about you: what are you looking for/ what are your deal breakers / what is your cell number. You will then have a profile posted with a recent picture.
(We will require all participants to communicate via phone. Email and text messages will not work in this process).

Concept of Infra Red Dating: The premise of InfraRed Dating is to remove all the clutter we encounter when meeting a potential spouse. We are trying to keep both parties focused to ask questions that actually may make a difference to reach the end goal of getting married. Basically, the analogy is similar to you interviewing that person for a 40 year long job and looking for the qualities of lover, friend, parent of your children, being part of your family, co manager of your finances, partner in all potential crisis, taking care of your family responsibilities and relationships, etc. We feel time is of the essence, so we are trying to maximize the time factor with questions and moderation to help the process move forward to allow a couple to meet.

Process: If someone expresses interest in your profile from the photo album on facebook, Vijay Uncle will contact both parties for communication. You will then be responsible to contact one another. Vijay Uncle will then ask for status reports from the participants. If either party does not respond, we will ask the member to leave the group. You must follow-up with all interests. All responses must be given to Vijay Uncle, whether positive or negative. He will then assess your progress and provide you with positive and negative feedback.
For this process to be successful, one must be seriously looking. One must communicate without hesitation. One must be able to accept criticism from a third party moderator (Vijay Uncle).

Issues: Dating and Relationship Quagmires:
These are some of the issues we are facing and the premise of InfraRed dating is to have both parties communicate about the issues openly.
a. why is it so difficult to find the special someone?
b. why do people not follow-up? if there is no interest, please be honest and up-front.
c. are males intimidated if a female is more educated or smarter than him?
d. if a female is more proactive than a man, at what point is she too aggressive?
e.Challenges of a match between 'born in USA' to 'raised in India!'
f. If someone is divorced without any children are they damaged goods?
g. What is the best way to settle on final place to live?
h. Suppose you meet the perfect man/woman to day, what kind of information you need to make up your mind and what time line do you see?
i. What was the reason for you to drop the last five prospects?
j. If I were to talk to last five prospect who rejected you what possible reasons they will tell me to reject wonderful person such as you?
k. How do you view the husband/wife roles played by our parents generation - "what changes need to be made and what should we strive to preserve?"

a. How much money is enough?
b. What to do if one person is extravagant vs. a frugal person?
c. Who makes decision for investing, controls finances?
d. What if one wanted to help his/her family financially?
e. Separate bank accounts or combined bank accounts?
f. One wants to look your credit score prior to marriage, is it a fair request?
f. Under what circumstances it is proper to sign a prenuptial agreement?

Household chores and child care
a. what should be expected from both partners as far as household chores?
b. What is the proper role for a male/female in taking care of a child?
c. What is your philosophy in child raising and dealing with a difficult child?
d. What cultural and religious values and tradition should we carry on to the next generation, and how?

Dealing with the family:
a. what is the best way to handle well meaning family members who create chaos in the life of the couple?
b. what responsibility does each partner have when his/her parents become ill or not capable of taking care of themselves?
c. How important role does your family play in your life? Who has the maximum influence?
d. What are your other family responsibilities?
e. What would you do different as a dad or mom compared to what was done to you?

A sample of questions is provided to help address some of these issues:
1. what is your goal timeframe for getting married?
2. what pressure are you receiving for getting married? basically, whose idea is it for marriage, is it your own or are you only considering it because your parents are forcing you?
3. what are your attitudes toward marriage? will you be able to balance a life with a spouse, family, friends?
4. what are yours and your family's expectations for a spouse?
5. what motivates you in life? what are your strengths, weaknesses, goals,
6. are you willing to relocate/travel?
7. are you willing to meet within one month of conversation?
8. describe your interests?
9. describe your typical weekend?
10. explain your dealbreakers: kids, religious views, divorced, living with
in-laws, drink, eat meat, smoke, US born/citizen, move back to india...
11. what are your religious and cultural views? are you accepting if someone is more or less religious and cultured than your?
12. who influences you and helps you make decisions? what role does family play in your decision making process?
13. how do you handle critisicm/embarrasment?
14. what attributes can you bring to marriage and what are you hoping to learn from marriage?
15. are you willing to get to know me or are you always thinking i can find something better?
16. where do you see yourself in 2, 5, 10, 15 years from now?
17. what are your failures/achievements and how did you learn from them?
18. how important is your career to you? are you willing to let your spouse not work for some time if that is his/her wishes?
19. will you respect my opinions and my family even if we disagree with them?
20. are you a social person or prefer keeping to yourself?
21. how indian are you, do you enjoy going to temple, celebrating navratri,
diwali, raksha bandhan, cooking or eating indian cuisine, can speak, etc, or have no idea what those things are?
22. If we were to adopt how husband and wife interacted in our parents generation (not our parents specifically) what are the duties, responsibilities, expectations etc should we change?

Special appreciation to Sneha Sharma to compile these questions
« Last Edit: Mar 6th, 2010, 10:41am by Vijay Mehta » User IP Logged

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Vijay Mehta

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xx Lakshmi Bhargave Jayanti Recommends
« Reply #1 on: Jul 7th, 2010, 5:54pm »

Hi Uncle! I think this is a great idea, but have some suggestions to change it. I've only been married for 6 months now, but my observations from the dating sites and conventions is that too much emphasis is placed on the superficial aspects of relationships. Rather than asking singles to answer "bio-data" type questions in your group (like high school education, parents location, height preference and even caste), I think you should pose deeper questions that can actually form a connection for American-born desis. For example, I think that having common values is one of the most important part of a relationship. A question like "The last really nice thing I did for someone else was___" would give me more insight into the type of person I am meeting. And it makes it more interesting and different from the other sites. Here are some more questions I can think of off the top of my head that you could pose, (considering the most important aspects of relationships to me (values, ambition/passion, sense of humor, relationship with family, relationship with friends and strangers):

The last really nice thing I did for someone else was___
In ten years, I would like to be ____
If I had 6 more hours in my day, I would spend it doing ____
The best thing I can provide for someone else is ____
The last time I laughed so hard I cried, I was doing _____
The funniest thing about my family is ___
My favorite childhood memory is _____
My friends and I spend the weekends discussing ___
The last great trip I took was ____

I think a lot of desi's (especially those that start becoming desperate) don't think enough about what they can provide to a relationship and spend too much time thinking about what having a partner could do for them. Posing some questions like this could force some self-reflection and make it a little more fun. It can also help people find a commonality with someone else that can give them an interesting thing to talk about.

I hope this is helpful and I'm happy to help in any other way. Good luck with the idea!


Thank you Lakshmi, it sure makes a lot of sense to focus on these issues than meat market criteria. Keep thinking and send me more suggestions. - Vijay Uncle
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Vijay Mehta

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xx Re: Infrared Dating
« Reply #2 on: Jul 6th, 2012, 08:23am »

I share a story about a recent date I had in which I tried infrared dating:

You know how it can be hard to "calibrate" the level of intimacy in one's quesitoning to the other's comfort level? I belong to a hiking group, and twice I'd met up with a girl I really liked. She was really cute, and was easy to talk too and loved my sense of humor. After the second hike, I invited her back to my apartment for a glass of water, and since the conversation was good I asked her for her number.

While with the group, the convo had been superficial; I really enjoyed talking to her about music and so on, but hadn't talked about anything personal at this point.

For the third date, we met at a local restaurant. I found out she does similar work to me, and seemed to have similar interests. We wre laughing and having a good time.

As we were walking downtown after dinner, I began with the deeper questions. I asked her about her family and attitudes towards money. I'm not sure what it was about my approach, but she grew very angry at this point, and basically ended the date early. She told me I shouldn't be thinking about marriage so soon, and should have just tried to have fun.

I suppose infrared dating did it's job and weeded her out before the relationship got too far along. But am I being too picky, or am I not approaching the hard questions right?

Sorry to hear about your experience. Well, if you are seriously looking it is important that both parties are clear on the mission i.e. this is not aimed at casual date. It may be a good idea to bring up the topic of how it is so hard for people in your generation to move from casual dating phase to serious phase. Get the feel of what he/she feels on the subject and let it out that you are indeed in serious mode. If you get a positive response refer him/her to this blog and discuss what he/she feels about the topics? This will open the door to open communication and if he or she runs - you saved your valuable time. ~Vijay Uncle
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