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ndnqt5
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xx Premartial Sex In Desi Community
« Thread started on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 6:03pm »

"More than 80 percent of desi youth have had sexual relationship by the age of 22. So it is well and good as long as you do not know it, but if you were legally married you are damaged good?"


Can you discuss further on this piece of discussion? Where have you gotten the facts. I think it's very important to talk about this subject matter on premartial sex on your webpage. I may open people to serious dicussions.
Are they many Desi People having a premartial sex today and are you only refering to United States, and other western countries or including India as well into this statistic?
Is that why many people are having the option to marry in India, afraid of the premartial sex of two people will leak out to the community or do many people find hard to find the prefect match therefore go to India.


A very eye-cathcing disccusion.
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ndnqt
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xx Re: Premartial Sex In Desi Community
« Reply #1 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 10:35pm »

the comment on how young desi's today have or had been in a relationship whether it's involved sex or not, it true what you said Uncle. Cause if you didnt find out that person had sex or was in relationship in the past, you consider them clean. I see so many young people even people in my age 25 or so dating casually and it makes you wonder are they really growing from their dating experience or consider marriage similar to dating meaning, you don't take your spouse seriously or give complete TLC, think about the old flames, or feel they don't have to offer alot in the relationship since they mind feel like used people from past relationships? It depends on the person what they think, but I think people say ILU's so many times to their gf' or bf's that it really gets tarnished in marriage. I may sound silly, but whatever happened to just waiting for the Right Person or just sacrificing without ever dating to keep clean for marriage purposes. I am concerned about that 80% statement and wonder whether people value sex only used in marriage or wonder if having sex while your 22 with a 19 year old will pose any marriage problems in the future for these two people, knowing when they have sex with their husband/wife know in their minds they done this before with someone in the past?

What ever happened to abstinence and Honring God's Message on staying a virgin until your married??
I wonder if people who are currently marriage who said premartial sex feel??
It's no surprised if divorces happen in the future for the young generation or don't completely value or honor marriage. All I do know the current divorce people majority I know had a problem not related to past relationships, but maybe financial, health, or just didnt work out. I know those people probably reconciled and parted their ways and optimistic for a better future.




-One may ask themselves who have dated in the past whether it had sex or not, beleive that they are right for hiding this information from their spouse?

-Is it fair to a person who did abstinece and never dated to marry a person who doesnt admit their past relationships honestly and openlyhuh
Does that person who had premartial sex or relationship derserve a "clean" person?

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ndnqt5
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xx Re: Premartial Sex In Desi Community
« Reply #2 on: Dec 2nd, 2005, 10:47pm »

"Waiting until marriage to have sex is the best way to enjoy life as God intended. There are good reasons behind God's instruction which improves relationship building and also safeguards our physical, mental and spiritual health. Avoiding sex before marriage is possible by seeking out the strength of God"
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Patel007
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xx Re: Premartial Sex In Desi Community
« Reply #3 on: Dec 5th, 2005, 07:58am »

Very interesting topic, hope we get some feedback on this.
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ndnqt5
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xx Re: Premartial Sex In Desi Community
« Reply #4 on: Dec 13th, 2005, 3:11pm »

issues that can arise from this:

1) STD's, Herpes, HIV or AIDS being transmitted
2) infedelity in marriage
3) divorce rates
4) desi's in swing clubs (a recent issue in an Indian Newspaper interviewed Young Married and Single, or Dating Couples Having Relations with Other Young Married. Single, or Dating Couples) - Threesome, Foursome, Relations
5) Religion's view of marriage deterating
6) people considering relations as acceptable
7) lying, cheating. children struggling in homes where parents cheat or had past affairs
8) broken homes and lives

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devilsadvocate
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xx Re: Premartial Sex In Desi Community
« Reply #5 on: Dec 28th, 2006, 3:44pm »

Personally I think premarital sex is bound to happen with people in this day an age. One can make all sorts of historical arguments that it happened before and that it will happen in the future, but that might cause some people to say that this historical argument is being made in an effort to absolve a guilty conscience.

Instead, I think the best argument for saying that premarital sex is not necessarily a bad thing, but that might also might be healthy is that in relationships, sex is a healthy expression of love for couples. If Desi youth are going to be in relationships, it would be my hope that these relationships would encourage maturation. This maturation would come in for the form of realizing when sex is something that both people feel is the next logical step in their expressive attitudes toward each other.

Now it has been stated that the Desi youth should abstain from premarital sex and I think abstaining from premarital sex is a viable option for some, but it's not a realistic option for all people. Personally I think it if an open and honest dialog were open between today's youth and their parents, many of the concerns that people have (e.g., STDs, future relationships, and remaining faithful while married) would be addressed. For instance, if parents would encourage friendships between boys and girls, they would be more in tune with their children and be able to tell (through altered behavior) if something were happening with their child(ren). Having given this some thought, I know that I'll will be frank with my own children and say something to the effect of "(insert name) your mother and I know how old you are and we know the temptations of sex. We'd prefer that you abstain from having any kind of sex, but if you are going to be sexually active, please use some common sense by doing... ." Mind you that won't be the exact way it will be said, but I hope that I can actually talk to my kids about sex, instead of leaving it to a teacher or friends like my parents and the parents of all of my friends did.

As for the deterioration of marriages, I think that also merits a look at people's upbringings. I'm not sure how it was for other people, but my parents didn't want me to talking to the opposite sex, but once I was two years into college, they wanted to know if I was interested in getting married. Being mature enough to be in a committed long term marriage is not like binary code (an on or off switch), it's a long process. Each prior relationship determines if someone is more or less capable of being in the next relationship. You learn to figure out what you can live with and what you can't. You learn what you bring to a relationship, and what you want from the other person. It's only through being in several relationships do you learn, in my opinion, what you are looking for and what you're going to bring to a marriage.

In addition, I think that the divorce rate is escalating in the Desi community for two reasons: 1. divorce was more taboo in the previous generations (it was not an option even in marriages where there was clear spousal abuse) and 2. the lack of prior relationships makes people less able to cope with what marriage is really supposed to be about, the union of two people.

Looking back at my own youth, I can think of many times that I was told stories about husbands that would hit (or beat) their wives. Those women stayed together with their abusive spouse for the sake of the family. I won't take anything away from those women because they were truly strong. In their time divorce was frown upon much more absent some sort of extreme circumstance. Today's girls will not take that, and they shouldn't! If a husband hit's his wife a few times, more than likely today's woman will leave him. Today's woman is more likely to know her rights and is more likely to enforce them. Today, a divorce in an abusive relationship is welcome and is less taboo. I'm not saying that all divorces are caused by abuse, but this example is illustrative of how divorce was once so frown upon, but how today that opinion has mellowed out.

As for the prior relationships, that was discussed higher up in this post and again, the examples used there are not the norm, but are used merely to illustrate my point.

Having written this entire post, I will tell all the readers this much: I do take a proactive approach to premarital sex in today's youth. I make an effort to talk to my younger cousins and their friends. I also tell them that if they ever have any questions about anything they can get a hold of me and I'll give them an honest thought out answer. If more "older people" (25 and up) would take this approach, I know it would go a long way to assuaging the unspoken fears of people in older generations. It may not sound like much, but even talking to one person can help someone make a decision that they will be more comfortable with in the future.
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maturefolks
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xx Re: Premartial Sex In Desi Community
« Reply #6 on: Feb 6th, 2007, 06:53am »

I think one of the greatest disservice that anyone can do to their children is not to teach them all the good things about Western culture. Forcing your kids to live an outdated life that is not even prevalent in India today and trying to make them relate to things that are clearly not helping them in terms of traditions etc.. has got to have long ranging and grave psychological and psychosomatic effects. While I'm not advocating pre marital sex per se, understand that saying this is a Western thing is nonsense. My Western friends are less promiscuous than most of the desi folks I know. Why? Because dating is acceptable and a normal part of Western upbringing and the sensible ones from their community and culture have better relationships and marriages than desis. Blaming everything that goes wrong in our community on Westerners is so backward it stops being funny. There are parents who bring up their children right, give them great education and also teach them the balance between the 2 cultures. As for premarital sex being a determining factor of failure in a marriage there are no statistics proving this. So we should really be careful when we make sweeping statements. Instead we ought to focus on all the good things this culture and society gives us. If things were so great in India, why did the parents come here in the first place? It is the parents who need to adjust and adapt and give their kids helpful instruction on all matters of life growing up in America. The average person from India who comes to this country in this generation is far more confident, self assured, successful and sensible than the average ABCD kid. So it is the parents who made a mess when they moved here and failed to adapt to all the more refined cultural aspects of life in this country. Instead of the parents being so obssessed with marriages, food parties and gossiping, it's the parents that should be reading the classics, merging refinements of both cultures and learning how to communicate sensibly and more importantly in a civilized fashion with their kids. Have you ever noticed how rude and domineering the average Indian parent who came to this country when they were in their 20's and 30's is towards their kids? Is it any wonder their kids lack self esteem and need to rebel? The parents truly need some workshops on how to talk politely first and foremost. Then also how to think clearly and stop being so judgemental and closed minded. India is progressing by leaps and bounds and the parents of ABCD's are stuck in a time that no longer exists thereby imposing all sorts of silly demands on their kids. The kids are not to blame. Pre-marital sex per se can be discussed and not every couple is doomed to failure just because of it. However the lack of it is certainly the best approach but explain to the kids why! Don't just blindly give orders thereby polarising the situation and making kids want to rebel even more.
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xx Re: Premartial Sex In Desi Community
« Reply #7 on: Apr 4th, 2007, 08:54am »

What I want to know is why has the person not had sex by the time he or she is in the twenties? Is it because the person is hideous and no one with any standards would actually sleep with her? As a college student, I have been around many, many people saying they would never have sex until marriage. And it is incredibly difficult to hold back when what I really want to say is, "And how many times has someone WANTED to sleep with YOU?"
I'm not denying that there do exist people who can have sex if they want to (and not just with someone repulsive), but most of the people who pass judgment end up being the kind who couldn't get a decent mate without going on "Extreme Makeover."
Trust me, I'm no Aishwarya, but I don't act like premarital sex is such a huge sin. If you find someone who you are attracted to, physically, mentally and emotionally, I see nothing wrong with becoming one with that person. So for those of us who are seen as "damaged goods" by the people our parents want to set us up with, I say more power to us for making our choices based on ourselves, not our communities.
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