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Vijay Mehta
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xx How to manage casual lookers if you are serious?
« Thread started on: Mar 25th, 2010, 3:53pm »

A question by Ami (not her real name she is in her early thirties and seriously looking)

If a guy (call him unsure) is in his late 30's and well settled in his career and is "seeing" someone, but it's long distance so, technically don't see each other often. They speak on a regular basis, and he makes the effort to call her...but he's not sure about marriage. What should this female do?
a. Keep the options open and see other guys and tell the current guy? I keep hearing this kind of scenarios with my friends.

The guy (call him unsettled) is in his early 30's and not sure about marriage because he is not well settled in his career. Is it true not to consider a guy at all who is not settled in his career? Does a female let the guy know what she wants in their "getting to know" stages or will that scare them off?

Vijay Uncle:

Let us talk about the unsure first. Here is the guy who is in his late 30’s, he is settled and still not sure if he is ready to marry or not! And I know a lot of guys like that. I think it is fine what the want to do. But from a female perspective you need to figure out what you should do. The only person whose actions are under your control is YOU.

If you are in seriously looking mode my advice is to “Run, Run, Run!” This loving caring man can be more hazardous to your health than some jerk you meet at a party. At least in case of the jerk your instinct would lead you to be proactive and move on.
He calls you on regular basis and that may come in your way to move on. Wishful thinking has burned many years of female life than you would like to admit. If you were his so called girlfriend (if you are dumb enough to call yourself that) I would like you to look in the mirror and ask, “Dear Ami do you love yourself? If yes, why do you put up with the guy? What makes you think he is going to get in the game and make a decision in next month or a year or a decade? What about all the great guys you might be passing off while you are in wishful thinking mode for this guy? Are you really that desperate for this guy or you are also not ready to get in the mission to find the father of your future children?

My main concerns about this kind of ‘unsure guy’ are:
I don't know if he is one of those guys who:
a. Can never make up his mind to commit
b. He may be too happy being single and is not sure if he wants to take the pain of commitment
c. He may be Gay and in a closet so having a girlfriend may provide him a cover
d. He is meant to remain single for the rest of his life.
Regardless of what his reason may be your job is to decide on your action. Frankly show him this post and ask his views on this one and go from what he says.

Message is clear - if this guy want to chat that is fine. But we go on serious guy hunting and move on. You are burning daylight – the ovum population is declining and sperms are losing their motility as we speak!!!

If you are one of those guys who is stringing a young woman for more than few months I would seriously love to hear from you and give me your perspective. Once you know she is in serious mode and you know very well that you are not the most decent thing to do is to tell her that I am not going to call you in your best interest.

Now let us talk about the unsettled guy. The one who is in his early 30’s. He is waiting to settle down before thinking of commitment and marriage. There are a lot of guys in this category.
Again what a 30 year old who is not quite settled in his job and career do is for him to decide. I was married and fathered three children by the time I finished my surgical residency and my wife finished her residency. It was not a cake walk but looking back it shaped who we are today. You can get settled together as a couple and that is probably much better for relationship. My wife and I had many trying moments early on our marriage due to lack of resources but it was the vitamin that we needed. We managed those as a team.

What seriously looking woman needs to know is that is the man is playing waiting game that means he is too comfy with the state of affairs. Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free? The question for you is, “are you also happy providing the free milk?”

So with this guy my suggestion would be to leave the ball in his court by telling him that you do find him a wonderful companion etc but he is too busy with his career at this moment. Should you in future be ready for commitment and I am still available, let me know. And move on. May be that is the kick he needs to jump start his battery and not you at least start looking elsewhere. Searching does not get any easier as time goes by.
Good Luck

This note was edited by Sneha Sharma.
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xx How to manage casual lookers if you are seriou
« Reply #1 on: Mar 25th, 2010, 3:54pm »

Now it is guy's turn. I got this message from a guy I know. He chooses to remain anonymous so let us call him "Men Are Victim Too - MAVT!"

I hope his remarks that comes from his heart does not offend anyone. This is not a Mauri Povach Show! It is important for you to understand where he is coming from. This is not a battle of sexes. It is not men against women. Rather it is unsure and unsettled vs ready to move on with life.

The question for the women is .. If he says he is not ready to commit, is it really that significant as to why? From your perspective is it not enough that he is not sure or settled?

Are you guilty of discounting the guys who are easily available?

Are you guilty of going out with guys knowing fully well that he had no chance?

I do like to hear from other men and women.

-----------------------------------------------------

Here are the comments by MAVT!

Uncle, I wanted to comment, but not publicly because my commentary is harsh, but I believe, true:

Seems like I'm the only man with an opinion on this.
Not to be a devil's advocate, but I think in this scenario, it is actually the vast number of nice, single men out there who are being disserviced. Because the women are hanging on to a fantasy, and in the meantime, rejecting nice guys who would be seriously willing to settle down. These women are breaking more hearts than the guys, because of a certain attitude that says "if he likes me, he's no good." I'll stand up for men and say that it is men who are the victims of this behavior.
And if a woman pins the guy down, he is likely to be honest and say "no" to marriage. Is it really the guy's fault if the woman then keeps coming back for more? Women aren't the victims, they are the perpetrators. To expand on my comments (and this applies to BOTH reluctant WOMEN and men, but I use the example of the reluctant boyfriend for convenience), I was saying that very few men lie. There are some liars out there, but few and far between. If a woman asks her boyfriend point blank "(1) will you be willing to marry in x number of months and (2) if not why?" then he will be honest about the first part of the question. If his answer is "no," he will beat around the bush on the second part. But he beats around the bush to be nice. Nobody ever tells the truth to the second question. The important answer is to the first question - it is the bottom line. However, the woman can hang on to hope because of the answer to the second question. In the meantime, some of these women go comparison shop and get free dinners from genuinely interested guys even though she cannot or will not give them a real chance. So, who is the real villain here?

Some men (or women) are truly unsure about what they want and the woman they are with. They are truly torn. However, their answer to the first question, if pinned down, will be the same "no." They will understand if a woman who knows what she wants leaves him to find someone for real. But it is not the man who is a villain, or selfish if the woman decides to stay with him. Beware of falling into to the trap of always believing the "victimized woman."

I am not heartless - I know that unrequited love is real and common, and difficult. No amount of lecturing from you or me or anyone else can mend a broken heart or force someone to move on. Sometimes it just takes time for these things. I am simply saying that sometimes the victims in your scenario are not so cut-and-dry.
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xx How to manage casual lookers if you are seriou
« Reply #2 on: Mar 25th, 2010, 3:54pm »

DV writes...

Hi Vijay uncle
I really liked your article
What does a seriously looking girl do with guys who are not sure or not settled?
it is the story of my life
along with many other girls
I think the girls in our generation are busy changing the norms that our mothers had---stay at home moms, not career oriented, dependant
and the guys are running as far as they can from the C word-committment
it's as if we have all forgotten the true meaning of living---love and family
and I have to say, I really agree with the note from the MAVT guy
so true
i would say the problem is with both guys and girls
but not with men and women
i think by the time you identify yourself as a woman not a girl, you have a pretty good idea of what you want in life
same applies to guy vs man
a true man will not break the heart of the woman he really loves and respects for who she is

I had my heart broken by someone who was not right for me to begin with. Yet I was forcing him to see me the same way I saw him. It's not his fault that I was not right for him. And while we played this game called relationship, I missed out on the many other great guys.
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