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Vijay Mehta
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xx Funeral and Autopsy
« Thread started on: Mar 27th, 2010, 10:47am »

Desi love is love of obsession. So many times I meet young women and sometimes men who can not get the simple fact that the relationship they are so obsessed with was either "never there" or it is "over" This could be quite damaging. The time they waste on wishing he/she will come back may be better spent on finding a better person. In order to move on you must take two important steps. Funeral and Autopsy.

Letting go of Obsession

Some of you may say, 'letting go of love. ' But in my experience so called love has generally died a long time ago. The relationship is destined to die for one reason or the other. All it needs is Jack Kevorkian of relationship to give it death with dignity!
I am amazed at the large number of our very intelligent and accomplished individuals who have trouble dealing with the failed relationships. In my experience females are much more susceptible to this than males. This may be due to the fact that females are more emotional and therefore they build a seven story building of relationship even when the foundation may be totally shaky. So when the time comes and relationship turn southward they refuse to see the signs and go in wishful thinking that it will all work out. The process continues. There is typical desi drama. Screeming, shouting, crying etc. finally arrives a moment that every one is waiting for, "This is over!"
It would be nice if this ended. Because by this time, everyone who is familiar with the situation is in agreement that, this needs to be over. However, few weeks later somehow one of them falls to the infatuation so, they make up only to break up again. The process generally repeats about three times than they get the message, this relationship is not salvageable. By now, both parties are very bitter, they both have been victimized. It is time to let go and move on. But this is easier said than done. I think we need to give lessons to our boys and girls before they go to college as to how to master this.

Here are few things to keep in mind:


Why is it so hard?

This is because of the fact that when you fall in so called love your entire life start revolving around each other. So for any reason the other person disappear he or she leaves a big vacuum in your life. This is extremely painful.

Do not take on a project:

Many of you are keenly aware of how the other person is not right for you. But some how you are so desperate for a relationship that you even like a project. There is a false notion that you can change the person to your need. Most of the time this does not work.

Do not hire anyone you can not fire:

This is a simple and common sense rule that you apply in business. Suppose you hire your brother in law in your company, and if he can not perform at expected level. You are in a bind. Firing him may bring havoc at home. In the same sense when you fall in love and realize that you can not live without this person. You should never fall for that person. Because if you do, now you have no ability to shape the behavior of the other person.

May be he or she would change:

Don't go in wishful thinking that he / she will change. The best predictor of future behavior is the past behavior.

Ask yourself

Are you in this relationship because this is comfortable? Am I staying in this destructive relationship so I do not have to face reality of being alone? This thinking is going to make you waste a lot of time, and at the same time this rejection is going to hurt your self-esteem.

Choreograph your break up:

Break up needs to be unambiguous and final. Choreograph your break up. Prepare all the things you wish to convey. The ideal time to break up is not when you are pisst off or drunk. The tone of your voice need to be calm and rational. If the other person wants to say something it is ok but you need to convey that this is final. You got to tell him/ her not only 'no' but 'hell no.' Get out of my life, do not call me, do not email me, stay away from me. Make a list of things you have of each other and give his stuff and have some one pick up your stuff. Make sure you both understand that after break up there is no need to wish happy birthday, or good luck in exam etc. Even if he/ she was in hospital there is no need to run up to the hospital. Your response to all the events in his or her life needs to be minimized. You are no longer that special person in his or her life.

Do not start the world war III:

Desi break up are full of melodrama. Many a times it extends far beyond the two people who basically were not compatible with each other and should be thankful to God for finally ending it. Suddenly the group of friends the couple is divided along the party line. Rumor mills are activated at full force. This troubles me as being totally immature on the part of friends. But, I think at subconscious level every one loves a good melodrama. So under the name of loyalty to their friend every one is now involved in the process. As good friend if you can not contribute to the healing please do not contaminate it. Dumpee who is obsessed with badmouthing the ex is simply showing the signs of how much hold the other person have over her or him.

Funeral:

You need to do funeral of relationship as soon as possible. Just as we go to a funeral and see some very vibrant person lying there, we mourn the loss, pay the last respect and then person is cremated. This whole process reinforces in us never to expect that person to walk in to the room. Same way you need to do a funeral of the relationship to mentally prepare your self never to go in wishful thinking that, we can be back to gather.

Continued..

« Last Edit: Jul 25th, 2010, 11:22pm by Vijay Mehta » User IP Logged

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xx Autopsy - do it right
« Reply #1 on: Mar 27th, 2010, 10:48am »

Autopsy:
When one of my patient dies in spite of hard work on the part of medical team we go to the autopsy room to learn from our mistakes. As we walk in the room our mindset is, 'I need to observe this person from inside not to blame for what he did wrong but to understand what could I have done different. If I knew then what I know now how would I handle the situation different?'
During the autopsy do not waste time in what the other person has done wrong to you. But, focus on what could you have done different. Not that he was a jerk for such a long time but why was I so stupid to put up with such a bs? Not that I worked ten times to make this relationship work but why do I not like my self enough to recognize time and time again that this was not going to work Now make a list of things you have learned for your self and make a promise to your self, never to repeat them!
Remember, Autopsy can only be done after you have accepted that relationship is dead. You need to do funeral before you can do the autopsy. A well done autopsy can be very empowering event in your life. It will give you that extra energy you need to get back in game with more positive outlook to life.


How do you know your funeral is done?

A proper funeral convinces you to make that person totally irrelevant to your life, happiness or sorrow.
You have not done funeral if you still hate him or her so much. This is an extremely common predictable behavior on the part of the dumpees. If they used to spend 5 hours a day being in a lousy relationship, now that it is over they spend that much time hating the dumper. Some of them think this way they feel powerful, by trashing the other person. But this is incorrect. In fact this is a symptom of being slave to your ex. He or she still has so much control over your brain that you are not able to do anything else. In order to do funeral you have to accept that he or she is no more and no point wasting all the energy in hating them while you could better use this to improve your self and move on.


Your ex can not be your friend.

It is expected at the height of love there is conversation as to what should we do if for some reason we can not be to gather. And nearly all the time the answer is we will be good friends, or our kids will grow up to gather etc. Now it is important to realize that the guy or girl to whom you were saying this is not the same you are breaking up with. Generally, the person you were deeply in love with, is totally different than one you are breaking up with. The former was an angel and the later is a bxxxx! So when inevitable break up happens do not try to deal with the boy friend or girl friend you wish you had but look at the person he or she really is. So do not try to be the friend.


What is wrong in trying to maintain some relationship?

Well first of all the dumpee may have a hidden agenda to get the relationship back on track. So, the dumper one will always have to be on guard.
The one who is having a wishful thinking that he/ she can get back to the same old status is now wasting time. The time you waste on your ex is the time taken away from you looking for some wonderful person waiting for you.
Once you are so close it is hard for your new boy friend or girl friend to feel uncomfortable, lest old flame may rekindle. So in order to be fair to them you need a clean break up.
Dumpee needs to always remind him/herself that, when someone breaks up with you, that leaves a big vacuum in your life, you start missing them, and you start thinking of all the good qualities of that person. And then you make up just to find out and experience for your self why you had broke up with him/ her in the first place.


Trust:

I can never trust man or woman again! is a frequent notion. This is another example of illogical response. You can not hold entire male or female population responsible for the act of one or few. With proper autopsy you need to realize that trusting someone is not a function of what other person is going to do, but your ability to properly handle any situation that comes along.
« Last Edit: Jul 25th, 2010, 11:24pm by Vijay Mehta » User IP Logged

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